It’s a miraculous thing that our hearts never stop dreaming and reaching. A day may come when something that had been your dream life isn’t any more. But no matter how painful it is to let the old dream go, it’s a gift that we will always find a new dream to grow into.
One month ago I left my dream job. Or, it WAS my dream job when I started seven years ago. But over the past three years things changed. My life changed when I had a baby. And things about the job changed too. Got harder. Got even harder. Really sucked at times. And it became clear that it was time to move on.
But even though I NEEDED change, it took YEARS for the right moment to come. That period of not being able to change when I wanted to change was frustrating and humbling and embarrassing, in moments. You know. That stuck place where rage goes outward onto other people/places/things and inward on yourself. It makes daily life hurt.
I believe that our lives often align with the seasons, so retrospectively it’s no surprise that a breakthrough came with the spring. I got a job offer that had all the things on my needs checklist (benefits! Flexibility! Meaningful responsibilities! No regular evening hours). Then Change with a capital “C” came, and it came fast. I got to finally say “I’m leaving.” And even though I had been wanting, needing, praying for Change… it wasn’t the table flipping, “peace out” that maybe could’ve happened in the “my life as a movie” version.
Change with integrity is a lot different than just getting the hell out of dodge. When it came right down to it, the things I wanted to honor and preserve were way more important than the things I wanted to slash and burn. I tried to give my energy to the people and the parts of the work that had given me so much inspiration in the early years. At the same time, I was experiencing that thing that happens when the end is near. All the feelings come crashing in with an intensity that had been held at bay when you have to just make it work somehow. Sitting in that mix...trying to focus my actions on the beauty while allowing myself to feel all the tough feels was almost more than I could manage.
Somehow I made it through.
I’m adjusting to a new work routine, to being not-totally-familiar with what I’m doing. Practicing trust every day that I’m doing the right thing. It feels right. It feels better. But I think it’s going to be a while before I hit my stride. Change is hard. Even good change is hard.
What about you? How do you tend the changes in your life? How do you move through the hard parts with integrity? How do you trust in the universe through the process? However you do it, I am there with you in solidarity.
PS - In case you happen to be noticing a theme here, my last blog post was about facing the hard cards in the tarot. And upcoming is a post about learning from anger. So I guess it’s been a period of reflection for me about life’s challenges. Luckily, I love my life and am happy to say that these reflections all come from a place of appreciation and willingness. Let’s lean in and learn, shall we?